Bad Southern Belle is Back

Let me manage your expectations for a moment.  I will post once or twice a week.  But you need to know... 
Seattle has unexpectedly failed me.
I thought I would be inspired by the lush green atmosphere, several bodies of water, and muted colors, but that has not been the case.  I could say that even after 9 months of living here, I don't know how to dress for the weather (I do, kinda sorta), that there isn't good shopping here (there is), that I'm broke (I'm not).  These aren't the reasons why I've had a fashion block.

Here are my excuses for why I gave up on my fledgling blog that people have been asking about for two years:

1. PINTEREST AKA THE DEVIL.  I make amazing pin boards.
2. To be honest, I just stopped giving a shit.  When you create a blog, you are sharing yourself with the public at large.  It's weird!
3. Deciding to move from the DC area to Seattle, actually moving, and the aftermath took so much out of me.  I haven't been inspired for quite some time.  It was a 3,053 trip that I did alone in my beloved convertible (RIP Lulu.  You have been replaced by Dolly Jo, a white dodge dart with a backup camera PRAISE JESUS).
4. I gave up on fashion and personal style for awhile.  I look at my wardrobe and imagine all of the wonderful places I could have gone instead.  I COULD HAVE PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOANS BY NOW!
5. I was trying to get that money.  I worked two jobs.  It was really tough!  I had to make a choice and I chose to focus on my career.  
6. I lost the fashion award I won in 2008.  I don't know where it is.  I'm scared someone is going to ask for proof and I can't provide it because it's somewhere in the state of South Carolina.  Yeah, I know the letters are small.

Here are the reasons I'm going to start the blog again:

1. I find amazing shit.  I just do.  I'm good at what I do, and what I do is shop.  None of it is expensive either.
2. I'm at least 2,700 miles from 90% of my friends.  Do I have friends in Seattle?  A few good ones.  But the concentration is on the East Coast.  I miss them and this is strangely a way to feel close to them.  So, this is going to be more than fashion.  More like a scrap book with an emphasis on style.
3. More than 10 friends have asked me to do video updates.  I will do that, but I will twerk in one of them and I don't want to hear SNATCH about it.
4. I like ranting, but I'm tired of doing it on facebook.  So there...

Shantel's reaction to BSB news.

No worries!  I'm sure one viewing of Mahogany this weekend will solve my two-years long fashion crisis.  Allora (Italian for ok now), I'm cooking up a lipstick post so stay tuned!  Lipstick has been my savior in Seattle.  Worship at the alter of Wet N Wild lipstick.  Look at my beautiful, luscious, molded by the hand of God lips.  

Dear Owl Customers...Part Three

I know you think I was looking at you like this:

But I was really looking at you like this:

How I felt about The Owl Today...

Dear Owl Customers...Part Two

REALLY MY PEOPLE?  YOU CAN SPEND $50 ON CHICKEN BUT YOU CAN'T SPARE A SISTER MORE THAN $4 FOR A TIP?  YOU HAD ME RUNNIN BACK AND FORTH TO THE KITCHEN TO GET YOU TENS OF LITTLE RAMEKINS OF RANCH TO CLOG YOUR ARTERIES (IF I WANTED TO GO RUNNING I WOULD GET A MEMBERSHIP AT GOLDS GYM), HULA HOOPING WITH YOUR DEVIL SPAWN CHILD WHO TORE UP PAPER TOWELS ALL OVER THE DANG PLACE AND HAD IT LOOKING LIKE CHRISTMAS, AND FORCING ME TO LISTEN TO YOUR DUMB FRIED PICKLE JOKE?!  YOU SAID YOU WOULD "TAKE CARE OF ME!"  BOO BOO PLEASE!  ONLY ONE PERSON CAN TAKE CARE OF ME AND HIS NAME STARTS WITH A JE AND ENDS IN SUS.  JESUS TAKE THE DOGONNE WHEEL!  TAKE IT!  IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ME MORE THAN HOW MUCH A GALLON OF GAS COSTS IN DC (about $4.01) GO TO BURGER KING WHERE YOU CAN HAVE IT YOUR WAY.  THE CHEAP WAY.

FIN

PS for all the naysayers, I'm very good at my job.  And don't you worry, I've only ever mushed one customer in the face.  If you do not understand this sentiment, you've never worked in customer service in the United States of America.

Dear Owl Customers...Part One

DO NOT ASK ABOUT MY ETHNICITY; IT'S RUDE AND NONE OF YOUR COTTON-PICKIN BUSINESS.  IT HAS NO BEARING ON HOW I SERVE YOU FOOD OR HOW YOUR FOOD WILL TASTE.  STOP ASKING OR ELSE I WILL CITE LUKE 13:28, "THERE WILL BE WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH," AND THEN PERFORM SOME VERBAL ROUNDHOUSE KICK ON YOU.  DEFINITELY WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH HAPPENIN UP IN HOOTERS.  DO NOT EVEN FOR ONE SECOND TELL ME I LOOK EXOTIC AND THAT YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF MY NAME BEFORE.  HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE NAME WATERMELONESHA?  NEITHER HAVE I.  DOESN'T MAKE IT ANYMORE EXOTIC OR DIFFERENT.  I WILL GIVE YOU THE HARDEST SIDE EYE I COULD MUSTER EVERY TIME DESPITE MY BOSS TELLING ME TO BE NICE TO YA'LL.  I GIVE HIM THE SIDE EYE AS WELL. 

Thanks for reading, if you can,


JLG

Ask and you shall receive.

On this Easter Eve (one of my favorite manufactured holidays due to the parade of pastels (not manufactured as in Jesus didn't really roll a big ole rock from some rando cave in the Middle East because he did and has the muscles to prove it)), after multiple prodding from muses, friends, besties, mentors, and anonymous commentators at TheFashionBomb.com, I'm coming out of the closet:  my closet, the most fashionable closet I know.


I have come against major style adversity since moving to the suburbs of Boringville, Virginia.  There are people in sweatpants everywhere!  Nobody knows about gold silk jumpsuits from 1978!  Triangle dress tents are popular!  Am I really the only one wearing a gigantic bow on my head?  It's not an afro it's just big!  It's no biggie though, really.  I will continue wearing iridescent, emerald green party dresses from the 1950s with leopard print pumps to my defense corporation job.  


This is not about fashion.  It's about personal style and all of the wonderful things I find hunting in musty thrift stores and strange little antique stores like the Iron Horse in Manassas, Virginia where I found a decorative plate from 1975 with an antebellum-era quadroon on it.  Yes.  A quadroon.  I always find the good stuff.  Ok ok I bought it because she looks like me and I needed something more fancy than a mirror in which to place perfumes.  Don't expect updates everyday, for I am a hustler; I have two jobs because the dreamkiller/realist that is Dad will not pay for my necessities like fur capelets and white, velvet, tufted headboards.  Kanye shrug.

 Oh, and as for the title?  I'm from Charleston, South Carolina.  Never really owned it until I moved to Seoul, South Korea in 2008.