The Right to Bear Eyes: Side Eye Realness

I believe in the Second Amendment.  If you have never read it before, which I sincerely hope you have as you are obviously reading my garbage and the Constitution is actually important, it reads,

 Now before you say, "GURL WAT?" please do not blame it on my Vanilla side, as some of my more uncultured friends propound when I do something they don't understand.  I am not of the Vanilla American stock that seems to be so obsessed with proactively "protecting" themselves by shooting young Black males that have candy bars and cell phones in their hands instead of weapons.  Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am half Australian.  Australian is not an ethnicity (unless you are counting Aboriginals, the initial and native inhabitants of that beautiful land of tall sunburnt men and thongs ((hahaha you guys don't know that means flip flops hahahaha, cultural dummies)), but I believe my mother's family settled there in the early 1900s.  That side is a mixture of Scottish, Welsh, English, and Jewish.  Now that I have shown you the receipts, let's keep it moving before I am side tracked even further.  

My country fried boo thang taught me how to shoot in his neighbor's backyard in the sticks of Ohio, and I have been A-OK with the right to bear arms since.  I believe in using glocks, tasers, machetes, broken bottles, whittled branches, bows and arrows, bowie knifes, hair spray, Crystal Louisiana hot sauce, moose antlers, and the side eye (YAAAS THE SIDE EYE) to protect myself from those who seek to hurt me.  Honestly ya'll, a very strong side eye is the cheapest weapon you can ever use.  Such a convoluted opening to introduce the weapon I use all day every day.  But you would stop reading if I said "Hey girl hey.  Side eye is the business."

Some of ya'll who don't read the Internet, watch the news, or talk to other humans in person may not know what a side eye is.  If you know me personally, I have definitely given you the side eye.  Here's the scenario in which it generally occurs:  You say something uncouth, coarse, crass, offensive, or just plain dumb, and rather than counter your statement I use my face to tell you what I think of your statement.  I employ this method everyday in Seattle, as I don't yet understand these people's ways.

I learned the side eye from my Grandma, who learned it from her grandma, who learned it from her grandma.  The side eye has been a member of my family for generations.  IN Charleston, we just call it "cuttin your eyes," which really means that you rolled your eyes at something; however, rolling eyes is passe and causes wrinkles.  To me, everything I don't like causes wrinkles:  People who don't shower, people who mispronounce my name, mushrooms, octopus, etc...

Urban Dictionary describes it as "A facial expression expressing one's criticism, disapproval, animosity, or scorn of varying levels of intensity towards another person. Defined by one person looking at the other out of the corner of their eye(s) with a scowl, as their head is turned in a different direction." 


Side eyes are like shoes, you should have one for every occasion.  I have provided many, many examples of great side eyes below:

The Countess, my girl

I know Harry is rolling his eyes, but the look of upper crust exasperation is everything.

Mariah, Queen of Shade

More obvious side eye, upwards.  I've never seen this in person.  New York is truly an individual. 

My favorite side eye that isn't a side eye.  I do this on the bus a lot.  Just big open eyes and a frozen face.  Go head Miss J! 

Lala from True Blood.  

My absolute favorite side eye from Arrested Development.  Just a withering look and a movement of the eyes.  Instant classic!

Drag Queen side eyes are pretty devastating.

Trying hard to hide disgust.  I bet Taylor Swift was trying to sing onstage.

Lady Mary, the hard blink.

When a well-dressed individual asks for money from me.

Perfection Kandi!  WHEN YOU'RE OUT IN THE CLUB DON'T THINK I'M NOT.

I do this even when a camera isn't present.

I say this to people on a daily basis.  Pure disgust.

Bunk's face.  The most obvious side eye.

I remember these looks from my time living in Asia.

Suspicious side eye.

My face at the club side eye.

Polite side eye.  Very common in Seattle.

The "Why are you talking?" side eye

Tamar, Queen of plastic surgery side eye realness.

Hope this helps you in a real fight.

XOXOXO,

J

Bad Southern Belle of the Day: Bianca Jagger

Is there a better name than Bianca Pérez-Mora Macias Jagger?  NOPE.  

I know she was married to rock n roll royalty, but this woman is more than just a fierce jeweled turban and red lips.  Bianca has used her fame to get her Angelina Jolie on, mostly in the form of human rights work in Asia, the Middle East, Eurasia, and Central America.  Nothing is more fashionable than a clean conscience!

Bianca and that man.

Bianca rocking a 1940s Victory roll, like one of my idols Betty Grable.

DAMN she looks good in a suit.

I love a fabulous caftan paired with healthy hair.

Bad Southern Belle is Back

Let me manage your expectations for a moment.  I will post once or twice a week.  But you need to know... 
Seattle has unexpectedly failed me.
I thought I would be inspired by the lush green atmosphere, several bodies of water, and muted colors, but that has not been the case.  I could say that even after 9 months of living here, I don't know how to dress for the weather (I do, kinda sorta), that there isn't good shopping here (there is), that I'm broke (I'm not).  These aren't the reasons why I've had a fashion block.

Here are my excuses for why I gave up on my fledgling blog that people have been asking about for two years:

1. PINTEREST AKA THE DEVIL.  I make amazing pin boards.
2. To be honest, I just stopped giving a shit.  When you create a blog, you are sharing yourself with the public at large.  It's weird!
3. Deciding to move from the DC area to Seattle, actually moving, and the aftermath took so much out of me.  I haven't been inspired for quite some time.  It was a 3,053 trip that I did alone in my beloved convertible (RIP Lulu.  You have been replaced by Dolly Jo, a white dodge dart with a backup camera PRAISE JESUS).
4. I gave up on fashion and personal style for awhile.  I look at my wardrobe and imagine all of the wonderful places I could have gone instead.  I COULD HAVE PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOANS BY NOW!
5. I was trying to get that money.  I worked two jobs.  It was really tough!  I had to make a choice and I chose to focus on my career.  
6. I lost the fashion award I won in 2008.  I don't know where it is.  I'm scared someone is going to ask for proof and I can't provide it because it's somewhere in the state of South Carolina.  Yeah, I know the letters are small.

Here are the reasons I'm going to start the blog again:

1. I find amazing shit.  I just do.  I'm good at what I do, and what I do is shop.  None of it is expensive either.
2. I'm at least 2,700 miles from 90% of my friends.  Do I have friends in Seattle?  A few good ones.  But the concentration is on the East Coast.  I miss them and this is strangely a way to feel close to them.  So, this is going to be more than fashion.  More like a scrap book with an emphasis on style.
3. More than 10 friends have asked me to do video updates.  I will do that, but I will twerk in one of them and I don't want to hear SNATCH about it.
4. I like ranting, but I'm tired of doing it on facebook.  So there...

Shantel's reaction to BSB news.

No worries!  I'm sure one viewing of Mahogany this weekend will solve my two-years long fashion crisis.  Allora (Italian for ok now), I'm cooking up a lipstick post so stay tuned!  Lipstick has been my savior in Seattle.  Worship at the alter of Wet N Wild lipstick.  Look at my beautiful, luscious, molded by the hand of God lips.  

Image of the Day: I want to be a Red Head like Rita Hayworth

I discovered this woman when I was around 12 years of age.  Rita Hayworth, one of the most glamorous movie starlets of yesteryear, is the reason why I've always wanted to be a red head.  She was one of the top pin ups, behind the incomparable Betty Grable, of World War II.  Sadly, I am unable to pull red hair off, but I know a certain law student in Virginia, ahem Ashley W., who can with finesse.

Inspiration: Ruffled Bust

Cocktail Dresses
Tops

Ensemble of the Day: I Got a Red Dress and New Hair Edition

I feel like a cowgirl in this pretty, cotton, red-orange dress, mostly because of the awesome ruffle detail on the bust of the dress.  If I threw on my fabulous cowboy boots, I could have stepped right out of that film Urban Cowboy.  I bought it for $8 at a Goodwill in Fairfax County.   I never wore red until I found a fantastic onesie at the Forever 21 in South Korea and bought a beautiful red dress from Top Shop in the Philippines.  I love how saturated the color of the dress is; it looks very flattering on someone with a nice tan.  Basically me.  I paired the dress with some pretty gold bangles, a bronze belt with starfish detail on the buckle, and a red and gold necklace.  It's one of those easy things to throw on when you haven't got time to think about your outfit.

(Here's a Southern Belle secret from way back then.  They use to sew ruffles on the inside of the bust line on the bodice to push up the breasts to the top of the dress.)  A ruffle on the outside of the bodice is a great way to create the illusion of having a large bust.  Have you ever seen Korean bathing suits?  The majority have ruffles on the bust.  I love ruffles because ruffles are ruffles, but I will not begrudge anyone increasing their bustiness through use of optical illusions.  Lord knows that miracle bra from Victoria's Secret nets me more tips than my charm.  I got tired of the necklace so I took it off and threw on a scarf (the scarf that Stephanie tried to wrest from my possession).

This dress style was very popular in the early 1980s.  I have a white dress similar in silhouette, and it's very flattering when belted.  Look how tiny my waist and arms look!  Another optical illusion.  I love dresses that flare at the bottom because they cause one's waist to look small.

Legs

I show them off because they're my best asset.  If I could monetize them I would.

Fin

Ensemble of the Day: Polka You in the Eyeball

When I woke up, I was 5"2.  When I left for work, I was 5"7.  Today, I did the following activities in these hot pink espadrilles:

1. Booty Popped.
2. Booty Hopped.
3. Cabbage Patched.
4. Did the robot.
5. Told somebody off.
6. Drove Lulu and eluded the po po.
7. Ran down a flight of stairs without ruining my face by smushing it on the ground. 

Today was a win.  On the outside, I looked like Grace Kelly.  On the inside, I felt like Tallulah Bankhead, badass Southern Belle of the 1930s, 40s, and 50s from Alabama.

I was all business at the top.  Pretty bow earrings, crisp white collared shirt, ostrich pin.  Below was quite the party.  I was wearing a wonderful vintage polka dot skirt, described in this post.  I threw on the hot pink espadrilles because it was missing that Jacinta element.  Coco Chanel famously said, Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off."  UMM NOPE.  I always add one thing, because that's what makes me, me.